Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
