My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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