I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
