I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
