I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
