Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
