The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
