420 ftw
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
