Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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