If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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