see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
