i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i came on her dog
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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