just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The power of my boobs compel you
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
