____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
