thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
