Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
