if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
