Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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