I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
