Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
