Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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