Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
