You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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