I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
