If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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