I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
