I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
