you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
