He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
