Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
