I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
