I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i drank out of a bidet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
