ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
