Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
