it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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