I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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