Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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