drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
