did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
