woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
