you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
