3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
