hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
