We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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