please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
