is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
