I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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