I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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