I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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