I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
