I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
