dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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