omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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