i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I just put wine in my tea
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
